CARMEN

At the age of 25 l wanted to end my life, but I was afraid to.

An evening came when I was alone in my boyfriend's home, turned on CBN (not normal for me) and a powerful testimony came on right then that completely "wrecked" me. I started crying, turned off the TV, paced the floor and then called out to God “If You still want my life, You can have it!”

All the while, voices (no doubt inside, and all around me) were screaming: “Yeah, Right! ARE YOU KIDDING? Do you really think He will take you now? You're about to have the biggest disappointment of your life because He doesn't.”

Looking back, it almost seemed like God was up in the corner of the ceiling just pressing in waiting for me to yell out those words! And WHOOSH! It seemed like He kind of fell into the room and engulfed me in huge ocean waves of glorious merciful light and total indescribable love!

I know that sounds wild but it’s the truth. I couldn’t stop sobbing for a long time. It later reminded me of the Prodigal Son - He saw me coming from a long way off and He RAN to meet me.

When I was in the 7th grade my Baptist friend would periodically ask “Are you saved?” I had always wondered what that phrase meant. I would say, “Ask it another way so I understand the question.” She’d say, “OK, are you born-again?” Exasperated I finally replied, “Well, if it happens at church then I am, because we’re there all the time!”

I was raised Methodist and loved God as a child, but that oh-so-personal relationship with Jesus was foreign. Sadly, I remember how excited I was to go before the church after a series of Confirmation Classes. I honestly thought I was going to encounter God in some way that day as I received my diploma and shook the pastor's hand. I was SO disappointed when nothing out of the ordinary happened. The enemy was telling me “Don't you get it that He doesn't want you?” and I was tormented with that thought.

Between the ages of 14 and 25 I had gotten into drugs by well-meaning friends to ease the pain of my parent's divorce. I kept moving the boundaries out further and further of what was OK until I knew I was in over my head and it really scared me. One of my greatest pains was knowing that I was hurting my family. I would miss the occasional family meal they would plan because I had a chance to do my favorite drugs at the last minute. I hated who I had become. But that all happened 41 years ago!

I have found Him to be all my heart really needs, truly my anchor. He is where my hope and peace are always found in this troubled sad world. He is the Lover of My Soul, the source of every answer.

He is so kind and compassionate while always challenging me by His Word, which proves I am a daughter! (Hebrews 12)

He is my very reason to live.

PLEASE DON'T MISS JESUS!!!